Is that I am a no one in this insane world of reality.
This is why I keep going back to my fantasy. My dreams. My own reality. I can become a superhero, a rock star, and be someone who is understood by a lot. To them I am just another extra in the background with nothing special. Been that way since Grade 1, so it's no big deal. You can't please everyone, and I'm not the charismatic type, so why bother.
I'll just stay in my own reality. Everyone'd be grateful. Here I am again with the drama that will launch a thousand back stabs.
Well, I try to make myself feel confident. I guess it's just the way I was labeled.
So much for labels and so much for my personality development. Whatever.
--------------------
Then I realized that there will come a time wherein even your closest brothers will never talk to you in the future.
Guess I was worthless all along, no matter what they tell me.
Back to square one. New year's coming. Will there be a change? Guess I'll create a year that will make this feeling disappear. And fucking change my attitude and stuff. If ever that will happen.
I'll just stop pretending that everything is happy. That is if I can do that, too.
What the fuck did I just say.
20081129
Moving towards an end.
I don't know why or what's happening, but I'm seeing signs that talks of "The End".
Let's just see the rolling credits then. I'll see you soon.
Let's just see the rolling credits then. I'll see you soon.
20081127
20081126
Hungry for mercy.
Somebody please, get me out of this insanity. Again.
And again.
And again.
And again.
I crave for mercy.
My mind is still being tenderized by hammers, chainsaws, needles and sickos.
I crave for mercy.
And again.
And again.
And again.
I crave for mercy.
My mind is still being tenderized by hammers, chainsaws, needles and sickos.
I crave for mercy.
Silent all the way.
I thought today will open me up with new surprises. Sadly, it did.
Usually, I'd be with the same crowd thinking with them, being silent with them, and sometimes talking with them (or you). Then it happened, the biggest differences I could see.
I'd be in the 3D room with a friend and be silent all the way. I'd be eating alone and be silent all the way. I'd be walking in the streets, looking down, losing hope and be silent all the way. I'd be drafting the night away and be silent all the way.
That was the plan. Everything was so perfect.
Until you hugged me and kissed me. Why must you. I felt like the balance I was creating suddenly fell apart.
Now I was walking, silent all the way, wanting to hurt and destroy everything on the way.
Why must you. I love you. You changed the way my path has been created. I love you. But still, I'll be silent all the way.
Tonight, a number is added to my title. I am the 4-day alcoholic.
Usually, I'd be with the same crowd thinking with them, being silent with them, and sometimes talking with them (or you). Then it happened, the biggest differences I could see.
I'd be in the 3D room with a friend and be silent all the way. I'd be eating alone and be silent all the way. I'd be walking in the streets, looking down, losing hope and be silent all the way. I'd be drafting the night away and be silent all the way.
That was the plan. Everything was so perfect.
Until you hugged me and kissed me. Why must you. I felt like the balance I was creating suddenly fell apart.
Now I was walking, silent all the way, wanting to hurt and destroy everything on the way.
Why must you. I love you. You changed the way my path has been created. I love you. But still, I'll be silent all the way.
Tonight, a number is added to my title. I am the 4-day alcoholic.
20081125
Irritation and fucked up nonsense.
The dreams just keep coming back and they're still making me conscious of my every move. It's like I'm sweating nonstop every time I put my foot down.
Then I noticed most of my friends looking at me in a very weird manner. And how they treat me. I have no idea if it's just me, or if it's really that people are getting irritated at me. Sorry, then. Give me patience.
The dreams I kept having were that thousands of people were in front of me, talking about me. Every word they whisper contained my name. Searching for a familiar face, I saw that most of them were the closest people I knew. I was getting dizzy, a heavy feeling, then a flash of black while a voice of a girl calls my name. I woke up gaping for breath.
I feel like suddenly, I'm irritating someone, or everyone. After that dream, people seem unbelievably out of sync with what I was saying. So now and then, I ask people if I irritate them. They'd say no, and ask why I'd ask, but it seems so... false.
Well, one would argue to take it as it is. So I would. And I'd just shut my friggin', goddamned trap.
Then I noticed most of my friends looking at me in a very weird manner. And how they treat me. I have no idea if it's just me, or if it's really that people are getting irritated at me. Sorry, then. Give me patience.
The dreams I kept having were that thousands of people were in front of me, talking about me. Every word they whisper contained my name. Searching for a familiar face, I saw that most of them were the closest people I knew. I was getting dizzy, a heavy feeling, then a flash of black while a voice of a girl calls my name. I woke up gaping for breath.
I feel like suddenly, I'm irritating someone, or everyone. After that dream, people seem unbelievably out of sync with what I was saying. So now and then, I ask people if I irritate them. They'd say no, and ask why I'd ask, but it seems so... false.
Well, one would argue to take it as it is. So I would. And I'd just shut my friggin', goddamned trap.
20081124
Besides all the pretentiousness.
I have no idea.
Bragging, boasting, creating a diversion or what-the-heck you'd call it, people are telling me that I am too deep, too hard to even understand. I thought that it was just me being plain random slash shallow, but what am I now since no one can understand me? That even my loved ones are afraid of me?
Maybe it's that I can't understand people.
It suddenly seemed too odd that they believe that they are the remedy to others but they just superimpose advices then take on the role and say that they are the greatest advice-givers that the world has even donned on its surface.
Truth be told, I was never an advice-giver, but an opinion-stater or whatever job may that be called. But they have no right to say what they fuckin' are for what they aren't.
Going back, I was called deep, while I thought I was shallow. Why can't they just say it forward? I'm weird. My mind is weird. I can't take it as a compliment. I want people to understand what I mean. But sadly, this world ain't my niche.
When will people open their eyes to the truth that what we are moving in is the creation of minds stupid enough to create moderated standards of weird, random, un-applicable or unacceptable?
I don't want to fight the battle of the normals and the weirdos. It's too tiring to make a stance on the backstabbing assholes that I am a different person when I can't believe it myself. I have to face it.
They are false objects. So what if I'm deep? Just open your minds and perceive what you can. What one thinks doesn't really matter if you have a different pair of eyes. Well, unless interested anyway.
Bragging, boasting, creating a diversion or what-the-heck you'd call it, people are telling me that I am too deep, too hard to even understand. I thought that it was just me being plain random slash shallow, but what am I now since no one can understand me? That even my loved ones are afraid of me?
Maybe it's that I can't understand people.
It suddenly seemed too odd that they believe that they are the remedy to others but they just superimpose advices then take on the role and say that they are the greatest advice-givers that the world has even donned on its surface.
Truth be told, I was never an advice-giver, but an opinion-stater or whatever job may that be called. But they have no right to say what they fuckin' are for what they aren't.
Going back, I was called deep, while I thought I was shallow. Why can't they just say it forward? I'm weird. My mind is weird. I can't take it as a compliment. I want people to understand what I mean. But sadly, this world ain't my niche.
When will people open their eyes to the truth that what we are moving in is the creation of minds stupid enough to create moderated standards of weird, random, un-applicable or unacceptable?
I don't want to fight the battle of the normals and the weirdos. It's too tiring to make a stance on the backstabbing assholes that I am a different person when I can't believe it myself. I have to face it.
They are false objects. So what if I'm deep? Just open your minds and perceive what you can. What one thinks doesn't really matter if you have a different pair of eyes. Well, unless interested anyway.
20081121
Glowing
My heart is glowing.
My mind is burning.
My retina is bleeding.
My spine is breaking.
But my heart is glowing.
I need an orthopedic mattress.
My mind is burning.
My retina is bleeding.
My spine is breaking.
But my heart is glowing.
I need an orthopedic mattress.
20081120
Seems like an exchange is in order.
Nao I havv know aydhea eef re-grett ace inn migh hed.
Nao, ay 'em big ginning to eet migh whurds.
Eef watt ay ex-chainjd fore ace jazzt theyking mee fore grunted, ay mayt ass whale foregit eat. Ay meen watts duh sence eef ay houghld own too sum theen' eef eat wood jazzt kasst mee owt?
Bool sheet.
Ay eve and thot ovv heam ass migh bra there.
One durh eef hee tinks tha saym. Whale, tseers two hue, bra. Ay'll bee own migh weigh.
Nao, ay 'em big ginning to eet migh whurds.
Eef watt ay ex-chainjd fore ace jazzt theyking mee fore grunted, ay mayt ass whale foregit eat. Ay meen watts duh sence eef ay houghld own too sum theen' eef eat wood jazzt kasst mee owt?
Bool sheet.
Ay eve and thot ovv heam ass migh bra there.
One durh eef hee tinks tha saym. Whale, tseers two hue, bra. Ay'll bee own migh weigh.
20081118
Distorted, decaying and desaturated Dorothy
"Follow the yellow brick road."
------------
Sensibilities and dilemmas. Suddenly, I feel like I am a new man with only a few words delivered by someone who saw what he was not supposed to see in the first place. And what should never have been in the first place.
What I can never even believe was that he actually admired what he saw. Well, I'd want to believe that it was sincere, and he is one of the few people I know who would appreciate such, but I never thought he could look at it as... that.
And some inspirational words:
"Don't be scared of judgment."
I become mainstream because I am too afraid of criticisms, judgments and everything else in between. I've been doing everything to please an eye or two.
I need a new drive.
Vague? No one's meant to understand what my mind would speak of.
-------
Roel, you son of a bitch, thanks.
------------
Sensibilities and dilemmas. Suddenly, I feel like I am a new man with only a few words delivered by someone who saw what he was not supposed to see in the first place. And what should never have been in the first place.
What I can never even believe was that he actually admired what he saw. Well, I'd want to believe that it was sincere, and he is one of the few people I know who would appreciate such, but I never thought he could look at it as... that.
And some inspirational words:
"Don't be scared of judgment."
I become mainstream because I am too afraid of criticisms, judgments and everything else in between. I've been doing everything to please an eye or two.
I need a new drive.
Vague? No one's meant to understand what my mind would speak of.
-------
Roel, you son of a bitch, thanks.
20081116
Creating chaos in such a serene circus
Everything seemed to be as calm as the stars who were silently moving through the universal breeze on their own orbits.
Now my mind is trying to hurt me more and more.
Domino effect.
I create chaos in such a serene circus.
Now my mind is trying to hurt me more and more.
Domino effect.
I create chaos in such a serene circus.
20081114
Oar oar?
The ambiance is taking me in.
Too much for my head to revoke.
It's taking me in.
It's taking me in.
And here I am now pilfering Wi-Fi signals from another store.
This'll be happy.
Too much for my head to revoke.
It's taking me in.
It's taking me in.
And here I am now pilfering Wi-Fi signals from another store.
This'll be happy.
20081105
Exhilarating
–verb (used with object), -rat⋅ed, -rat ing.
1. to enliven; invigorate; stimulate: The cold weather exhilarated the walkers.
2. to make cheerful or merry.
----------
So, this is what I lack today.
Looking at the sunset alone made me think of death again. Realizing what pain there was in a different reality that only I can ever know of, it began to sink in me that the reality I am in now is just plain stupid. In short, I'd rather be in the different reality in my mind where others would call it fantasy.
Why is it that when one walks, people who walk by you with eye to eye contact seem to make you remember what was in the past. What was it in reminiscing that made me think of my asshole-like past.
Now, my mind's a haze.
Come hither, damnation.
1. to enliven; invigorate; stimulate: The cold weather exhilarated the walkers.
2. to make cheerful or merry.
----------
So, this is what I lack today.
Looking at the sunset alone made me think of death again. Realizing what pain there was in a different reality that only I can ever know of, it began to sink in me that the reality I am in now is just plain stupid. In short, I'd rather be in the different reality in my mind where others would call it fantasy.
Why is it that when one walks, people who walk by you with eye to eye contact seem to make you remember what was in the past. What was it in reminiscing that made me think of my asshole-like past.
Now, my mind's a haze.
Come hither, damnation.
20081104
O Christmas tree
Wishlist time.
I just hope that fate will give me these. If not, the last wish, at least. Everything else will follow.
iMac (Octocore) (Roel, you don't loathe them. You don't)
Final Cut Pro 2
A Mini-DV camera (Canon XL1/any DV camera with manual settings)
Tenorio Leathers - The Minimal Monk (I blame Yuggy for showing me these)
PS3
Rock Band 2 Set (CD Included)
Lots of art books (Photography, Post-production, Motion Design or Graphic Design)
A job (specifically, a video editing/compositing/titling job)
Well, that's that.
Too much to wish for? Well, what's a wish anyway but a prayer. Just like world peace.
I just hope that fate will give me these. If not, the last wish, at least. Everything else will follow.
iMac (Octocore) (Roel, you don't loathe them. You don't)
Final Cut Pro 2
A Mini-DV camera (Canon XL1/any DV camera with manual settings)
Tenorio Leathers - The Minimal Monk (I blame Yuggy for showing me these)
PS3
Rock Band 2 Set (CD Included)
Lots of art books (Photography, Post-production, Motion Design or Graphic Design)
A job (specifically, a video editing/compositing/titling job)
Well, that's that.
Too much to wish for? Well, what's a wish anyway but a prayer. Just like world peace.
20081103
Celebrities outside the idiot box
Popularity. I'm one to speak about it, no?
On my way to school, a bus or an FX ride, I pass by Espana* road and see that there are nursing review centers everywhere. Of course, it has now become a popularity contest, in my opinion, because of the posted pictures as a part of their advertising. It's like a movie gone wrong.
Anyway, I know what goes on inside a review center for my uncle already gave me a lesson on nursing board exams. Which is weird 'cause I was just there randomly listening to what it was about. Anyway, my point is that he needed no face to show to the public, but his credibility was exuberant enough. One to study Medicine and Nursing, he was one hell of a guy.
I don't really know what the purpose is putting your face in what profession you are in. You are selling your service, not yourself. Except for models and actors whose faces are included in the services they offer. But then again, it just becomes a race to who is more credible... or is it? I entered college review centers without knowing the faces of the mentors there. And I still gave them my trust.
Anyway, if the faces of the facilitators are up there in the ads, would it give me more reason to trust these guys? You'd have first impressions, first. In one ad, there was this nurse with a red afro. Another, a guy sitting with a really white face. The other, a movie poster of a horror film wherein all the faces are put together in a line and the title looking like it was superimposed.
These ads say that they've got a 99.5% passing rate. Kind of like a soap ad, if you ask me.
On my way to school, a bus or an FX ride, I pass by Espana* road and see that there are nursing review centers everywhere. Of course, it has now become a popularity contest, in my opinion, because of the posted pictures as a part of their advertising. It's like a movie gone wrong.
Anyway, I know what goes on inside a review center for my uncle already gave me a lesson on nursing board exams. Which is weird 'cause I was just there randomly listening to what it was about. Anyway, my point is that he needed no face to show to the public, but his credibility was exuberant enough. One to study Medicine and Nursing, he was one hell of a guy.
I don't really know what the purpose is putting your face in what profession you are in. You are selling your service, not yourself. Except for models and actors whose faces are included in the services they offer. But then again, it just becomes a race to who is more credible... or is it? I entered college review centers without knowing the faces of the mentors there. And I still gave them my trust.
Anyway, if the faces of the facilitators are up there in the ads, would it give me more reason to trust these guys? You'd have first impressions, first. In one ad, there was this nurse with a red afro. Another, a guy sitting with a really white face. The other, a movie poster of a horror film wherein all the faces are put together in a line and the title looking like it was superimposed.
These ads say that they've got a 99.5% passing rate. Kind of like a soap ad, if you ask me.
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